Life doesn't always get it right the first time. At RetCon Artists, we understand the value of revisionism; we're dedicated to helping you present the best version of history to the world.
Whether you're polishing your personal brand or managing a multinational corporate image, we have the tools, the staff, and the resolve to make sure that what you say happened is what did happen.
Marshall McLuhan wrote: the medium is the message. (In fact, that's not what he originally wrote at all. We did some work for him a while back, no one's the wiser now.) But the internet is a uniquely flexible environment compared to traditional fixed media, and many of the problems facing tactical revisionism in print are mitigated by the digital, database-driven dynamic format of the web. At RetCon Artists, we say: the medium is massaged.
L'esprit de l'escalier. We've all had it happen. Someone gets in a good zing, and you can't think of anything clever to say when it really counts. Sure, later on you think of the perfect comeback, but life doesn't come with a rewind button.
Until now. With E*scalier, our personal brand management suite, we've developed a robust, cutting-edge social media toolset to deal with every comeback contingency. It's like TiVo for your mouth.
Someone making you look bad on social networks like Twitter or Facebook? With E*scalier's proprietary "Tweeper" technology, that's not a problem. Using a high-volume Markov-driven comeback-material-generation engine, we can leverage the power of predictive reaction (or "preaction") to make sure that you had the right thing to say, at the right time, all along.
Need video proof that things went the way you wanted them to? With E*scalier's rapid-response Flashback Mob service, we can mobilize a squad of re-enactors to help you stage, star in, and film a revised record of just what went down. Using the latest in quality-throttling video processing technology, we'll make sure your video is grainy and murky enough that even a talented eye will have trouble confidently debunking it.
Sometimes you've got bigger challenges to deal with than a belated comeback or a personal spat. When your brand, your reputation, or your corporate viability is on the line, you need best-in-class revisionism in your corner.
Which is where our top-tier service, MorWell, answers the call. Through strategic partnerships with a dizzying variety of communication, media, and governmental agencies, we can help your company revise history straight from the horse's mouth. We'll make sure the coverup is better than the crime.
CEO said something he shouldn't have? We'll use our contacts to make sure it never happened. Quarterly results not looking up to snuff? That's a rumor we have no problem snuffing out. Embarrassing exposé? We say: no way, expjosé.
Our dedication to your version of the truth means your past never has to be a problem. If you want a vision of the future, imagine our boot stamping on the face of bad publicity...forever.
Need to execute the ultimate revisionism? If you'd be better off having the world think you're not around anymore, put down the gun and pick up the phone: with our Better Dead Than Red-Faced program, we can solve your unsolvable reputation problems and give you a new start free from responsibility for whatever sexual transgression, war crime, financial malfeasance, or other ethical hiccup has lately taken a toll on your quality of life.
RetCon Artists understands that we all need someone to look out for us. That goes for siblings, and it goes for multi-national corporations. With our MorWell service, we want you to think of us like a big brother. We'll look out for you in bad times and in good—because even if things are going well, they can always be going...MorWell.
“...an appalling and stunning attack on the truth ... I've rarely encountered such a troubling vision of dystopian thinking...”
“...if this is what passes for ethical these days, we're all in a fantastic amount of trouble...”
“...the jackals at RetCon Artists wouldn't hesitate to bury you alive in a fresh grave—and they'd make your kids dig it!”
“Facebook is excited about this new partnership opportunity.”